My wife Uschi passed away the night to January the 25th. 2004 exactly at 00:00.
The ovary cancer was discovered on September the 15th, 2003, when she went to the doctor, because she had stomach complaints. The tumor was in the size of a grapefruit, it was stage 4. We where both shocked deeply, because a few month ago, Mai 2003, she had the annual cancer control checkup and there was nothing found at that date.
I had no doubt in my mind that i would do everything to be able to stand by her side and to keep all other problems from her back. That was the reason why i did quit my job as a computer-tech and as a computer-tutor right away. I knew we would not have a lot time left.
She had a very heavy operation on September the 20th and till Christmas 2003 we still hoped that the cancer would not spread any further, but december 26th we´ve been told that it is fatal and that she would not have a long time left.
A few days later Uschi was brought into a hopiz located close by. I wished so much that she would come at home, but she said it would be a lot harder for her to let go if she would stay her last days at our house, than in the hospiz.
It was tough for me, but i respect all her wishes.
My birthday is on january, the 22nd. A week before that date we arranged, that i would stay with her in her room in the hospice, two days after my birthday. It would be a saturday and this way we could celebrate my birthday together.
At noon of saturday, the 24th, i layed down to take a quick nap, but my mind did not gave me any chance to get rest.
I always had to thought about what to do, on the last night i´ll spend with my wife in this life.
So i picked up my accoustic-guitar, all the pages of my self written songs and a bottle of red wine and i took the drive to the hospice. Right when i came into her room i saw, that she looked a lot weaker since the day before, but she was very happy to see me.
We´ve been talking a while and i held her in my arms again and again. She told me she was happy to see that i´ve brought the guitar and so i started to sing her some of my self written songs.
She always deeply loved my music and on the day we got the fatal news i had to make a promise to her, that one day i´ll do record them. After every song she made weak moves of applause and smiled happily.
She told me with deep regrets, that she´s so sad about that she could´nt give me a birthday present and that she´s sad about how everything whent for us two. It was not easy for me, but i could talk her out of that mood. I could make her understand, that i would not have done anything different, even if i would knew that when we met and that i would not miss a single moment we two shared. She felt easier after that and we´ve spend a while in a quiet and loving mood.
Around 09:00pm she got her heavy medicines (mophine and other strong stuff) and around 09:30pm she fell asleep.
I was sitting in a chair besides her bed.
About an hour later she woke up again and she had more and more problems with breathing. This tense situation grew more and more, but i tried to give my best so that she wouldnt feel alone. When i saw that she´s close to passing away, i took her into my arms, hold her warm and tight and sang to her her most beloved song „Love Divine“ from Seal.
We had a ritual, that when we went to bed in the evening, right before killing the lights, we always looked deeply in each others eyes. We did it, because if one of us would not wake up again, the last thing we would see is the eyes of the loved one.
Our eyes did not loose contact the whole time.
At exactly 00:00 am she exhaled her last breath and her heart stopped to run.
About 15 minutes after Uschi had passed away a woman from the hospiz came into the room and asked me quietly if Uschi has passed. I nodded and she asked me if i would leave the room for an half hour so she could wash Uschi and change her cloth. I told her that i think that this job belongs to me, but that i would be thankful if she would give me a hand. So i did wash Uschi and i dressed her in the nightgown she loved the most, because there where sweet teddybears printed all over.
My parents came the same night to say good bye to my wife.
I stayed at her side till 11:00am, when she was brought over to the funeral home.
It took me the last few years to be able to cope with this and to find a way to make all these experiences to a source of creativity. It is still tough to face the pain and all those fears.
February 2008 i saw a documentary about Edwyn Colllins, called "Home Again".
At first i was just blown away...
Then i thought about why do i complain, when a great musician and writer like Edwyn is able to cope with such an heavy burden and that he (thanks to the great people around him) is trying to regain his his abilities.
After that documentary i was changed.
It took me quiet some time and work, but early this year i've started to fulfill the promise i made to my dying wife:
To record all those songs, i've played and sang to her.
It takes me quiet a lot to say thanks... but you know what i feel.
Greetings and hugs from an old german guy,
(Sorry for my bad English.... i'm totally out of practise)